Jesus McBeetus - The Holy Pie
by Nyxteria
Summary: Dean had a tooth taken out and is high on laughing gas, Crowley thinks his moose is cheating on him, Cas wants 'fuq' and the pie is Jesus. That is all.
1. Chapter 1

Sam had taken Dean to get a tooth pulled out and Dean being the wimp he is, requested laughing gas. At this point Sam was getting tired of Dean's shit, so tired in fact that as he drove the impala he did that thing he does with his eyebrows when he's pissed. At this particular moment, Dean was sprawled in the backseat singing a confessional version of livin' on a prayer by Bon Jovi.

"WOAH, WE'RE HALF WAY THERE, WOAH GETTING CUM IN CAS' HAIR!"

At this point Sam was ready to welcome death as an old friend.

"TAKE MY HAND, WE'LL DO THE GAY THING I SWEAR!"

The song died there, Sam was grateful, not that he minded he brothers gayscapades but dayum he was graphic. They drove for a while in semi silence until Dean said the thing that inspired me to write this beautiful, beautiful piece of text.

"Sammy..."

"Yes, Dean." Said Sam through gritted teeth.

"Can you buy me pie please, I'm horny for feelings."

"Sure Dean." (Actually wot'ing internally)

Sam was wonderfully composed throughout the journey to the pie shop, but in all honesty, this situation took claim to all of his _wots. _

"Sammy..."

_Nervously sweats. _"Yeah, Dean?"

"Can I have your phone so I can do a thing please."

"Sure...I guess." Sam passed his phone over to Dean, internally praying to our lord and savior Gabe Newell for this drive to be over soon, and for half life 3. _Amen. _

Sam glanced at Dean to see he was typing away happily.

Maybe we can have a normal life now, he thought to himself. Maybe things will be okay.

"Hello Sam." Sam nearly crashed the impala, and boy if he knew what I had planned for him in this fanfic he would've.

"You scared the shit out of me Cas!"

Cas look scandalized. "But...You texted me"

"What? No. When did I do that?"

"Just a moment ago, you texted requesting 'sum fuq.'"

Sam stopped the car and calmly reached for his phone.

"Dean, next time you want fuq, use your own phone."

Sam started the car again and finally got to the pie shop. "Cas, I'm gonna buy Dean his pie now, you look after him please, also, try not to gay in the car."

It was late, so the pie shop didn't have much. A slice of two day old apple and raspberry pie would have to suffice.

"Do you need some cream to go?" The lady at the counter asked.

"I wish I did lady, I wish I did." _cries._

Sam got back to the impala and handed Dean the pie. They drove in heavenly silence for ten minutes until Dean started talking to the pie.

"Don't lie to me pie, you ain't no Jeebus..."

"Dean, it is indeed Jesus Christ, he tends to manifest himself as things you love."

"Jesus is a sexy pie..." Dean said lustfully.

"Don't objectify me." Jesus replied.

"K den fatty." Dean retaliated with.

"I have a perfect figure. Not my fault I have beetus."

Sam was the only one not hearing the conversation. He was pretty sure everyone around him went full retard.

He left them to it until a familiar voice screamed at him from the backseat.

"MOOSE. I SAW THE TEXT." Huffed Crowley.

"We're not having this conversation."

"YES WE ARE SAM. YOU CHEATING ON ME, I AIN'T NO BASIC HOE."

Sam continued to ignore Crowley and everyone because he felt his glorious locks thinning out and we can't have that.

"Moose. I love you Moose." Crowley said.

"Moose please."

"Let's taco bout this."

"Moose, you my bae."

"Moose..."

Crowley slammed himself into the unsuspecting Winchester and the car flew off the road.

"NOTICE ME SENPAI."

_To be continued._


	2. Chapter 2

The Impala skidded of the road and slammed into a tree.

"DAMMIT CROWLEY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU." Sam shouted.

"WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM IF YOU LET ME LOVE YOU." Crowley screamed back.

Sam was #sodone with this situation. He glanced to the back seat. Cas and Dean were preparing to 'fuq.'

"NOT IN THE IMPALA." Sam screamed.

"YES IN THE IMPALA. YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR JESUS MCBEETUS COMMANDS SO." Screamed the pie.

Sam felt faint. He didn't understand...He could hear the pie? Then it dawned on him. Sam was slowly being sucked into this world of ultimate retard and he couldn't fight it. So he decided to embrace it.

"I SHALL RISE! AND WHEN I DO I WILL FOREVER BE KNOWN AS RETARDUS MAXIMUS, AND YOU, MY DEAR BRITISH ANGEL OF HELL, WILL BE MY BRIDE!"

"Omg Moose, wait let me tweet this."

Crowley's tweet: My bae senormoose just proposed omg I'm so hyped rn #bae #moosey #ilovemyhoe #imhismainbitch #justcrashedhiscar #lol #gayangelinthebackseat

#iwantthefuq #letthegaybegin

Meanwhile, Dean and Cas were getting it on in the back seat. Heat and passion filled the car, steam dripping down the windows, Cas screamed out. "I'M ARRIVING DEAN!"

Cas arrived.

"CAS, NO! I CAN FEEL YOUR SPAWN GROWING INSIDE MY POSTERIOR DIMENSIONS!"

"Omg wait lemme tweet this."

Cas' tweet: wot shud i do bae got preg is it even mine doe

#shouldveusedprotection #gotbaepreggers #bae #illstickbyyou #iarrivedwithoutprotection

#anal

_To be continued_


End file.
